CRI interviews India's most intelligent man, Mr. IQ Brahm. Readers are advised to keep a copy of the Oxford English Dictionary at hand.
It's been 3 years in the Ministry. What have you learnt? What has been your greatest success?
We've gained significant insights. For example, every terrorist act has the following steps: Plot, Trial Run, Blasts, Death Toll, Hospital Visits, Investigation, Interference, Trial, Re-Trial & finally Chicken Biriyani.
We have notched up several great successes but two things which i can be justifiably proud of – media management process post the terror attack and rigorous numerical process of counting those dead in a terror attack.
Ask any keen media watchers and they will testify that our customary press conferences after the bomb blasts are now well organized. For instance reporters are allowed to ask only one question and we have ensured that this practice has been followed in all the 4 press briefing on terror attack. Allow me to also say my own body language especially piercing looks, flawless diction, sense of sartorial elegance has been appreciated by many of our friends in the media.
Now on rigorous process around reporting of death toll (interruption by a reporter….)
How does this help?
We're focusing on certain critical steps: Death toll, for example. Nandan's UID is complete. By 2012, we will identify the dead within 15 seconds of a blast. I think its brilliant. Rahul piloted it in Bhatta-Parsaul. He identified 70 bodies in a mound of ash.
That remains a controversy.
There may be errors. A data entry operator had accidentally switched data from the birth file into the death file. He had earlier worked for me during my 2009 election. CBI is investigating.
Have they found anything?
Yes. He had not filed his tax returns yet for a 2 rupee fixed deposit he made in a bank in 1843. IT/ED will get in touch.
What else on the terror front?
We're focusing on payments to the next of dead. I am being modest here but as a finance minister earlier i did play a role in designing the UPA'S cradle to grave state welfarism. Based on my experiences we are proposing to launch MNREGA – Motilal Nehru Relief & Ex-Gratia Act. Every Indian will get 100 rupees every day of the year, until expiry from a terrorist act. This will encourage citizens to be vigilant throughout the year. It eliminates the need to give separate payments after every blast.
Why do we still have terror acts when we seem to be doing so much?
Terrorists are two steps behind. We're on twitter, facebook. They still send email. We need to upgrade their infrastructure, give them facebook IDs & followers on twitter.We should be proud that we strive to seek inclusive development for everyone, be it the 'aam aadmi' or the terrorist.
But you cannot deny the maximum death (since independence) due to internal terror has occurred in 2009 and 2010?
Are you tutoring me an ex-Finance minister of this country on numbers?. Next question
What are you doing with the emails?
We're marking them as spam. They will soon get frustrated about no body reading them anymore. They will no longer have the motivation to attack.
What about slow pace of judicial trials?
That is sub-judice. Like all lawyers, I will not comment on it. We're focusing on the next step after trials. We've tied up with several Hyderabad based hotels. The tasty Biriyani encourages terrorists to surrender after the blast. It is easier then to bring them to court & uncover possible RSS-CIA-Mossad-Anna Hazare conspiracies.
People blame the multiple agencies. They say there is no chemistry.
That is not true. After every blast, we tell the public the chemical formula of the explosive. Also, CHSO4 is given free by the government.
Any other steps?
August to December is a festival-congested period. Our ally, DMK successfully switched festival dates in TN. We plan to follow this best practice as well. We are shifting Diwali to February & Ganesh Chaturthi to April.This way, even if there are blasts, we can always claim they happened after a good gap of 30-40 days.
Not many folk understood the 'Lack of Intelligence is not Intelligence failure' comment.
Simple.If a home has no electricity supply, there can be no 'power failure'. Power can fail only if you have electricity in the first place. It is unfortunate that a large section of the society did not understand this comment. I realized my high IQ can be bad sometimes.
And finally, for angry Internet Madrasans who may read this interview, could you please explain what your North Indian name means?
Brahm means illusion. My IQ is a mirage, an illusion, visible only to me & no one else. My humility is my strength. My strength is my humility.
Thank you, Mr. IQ Brahm, for making time out from your busy schedule to publicize your successes.
It was a pleasure. I look forward to more blast related interviews in the future
(This is purely a piece of satire by CRI'S Resident Satirist)
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